April and August

Eshan.

2nd last post

It has been almost two years since my breakup. This year’s 16 April would have marked the 7th anniversary of ‘her relationship’ with me. I will tell you eventually why I write like that.

The year 2013 was one of the most eventful years in my life. Class 10, representing my school at the regional level, organising an event in the annual day celebration of my school. Perhaps the most underrated of all of them would be the onset of my relationship and how it came to be.

This is the truth of my love story, one that I have never told anyone in my life, until now. By the way, I have been in only one relationship so far. I haven’t been capable enough to get into another relationship, and perhaps that was good.

So, the story begins from the day me and my crush had a cold war, perhaps over the fact that I had a crush on her and was actually planning to confess to her. It had got many people gosspining about it, to the extent that some of my teachers heard it.

That cold war lasted for 7 days, and those 7 days completely flipped my mental state to and fro. My feelings and emotions were changing as the colours on a chameleon’s skin.

While that war was going on, she often used to meet me during tiffin breaks to calm me down. I don’t know whether she tried to do the same for my crush also. At that moment, what I really wante was for my crush to start talking to me again (which she eventually did). What happened in the following days shocked me. I somehow got access to the personal diary of my now ex-girlfriend, and she freaking allowed me to take it home and read it to know the truth!

I took that diary to my home, unknown to my parents, for three straight days. Those three days were heavy as they could be, perhaps among the heaviest.

The truth is about those three days, about what went on in my mind then. What I had based my relationship on.

When I opened the diary, the first few pages were about herself, as one’s personal diary should be. As I gradually flipped through the pages though, it started telling more and more about me only. About the 45th page was flipped and after that I never saw anything about her. It was all related to me. But the most surprising thing until then was that it told me of two things: one, how my crush actually found out the truth and who the culprit was. Second was that she fell in love with me like 4 years before that!

What caught me off guard was that vibe after reading her diary. It was as if she was mad for me. There are people in this world who are mad for the love of some certain people, and would do something crazy for achieving that. I say that because I believe that it’s somewhat of an accomplishment for them, after whatever they have had tried to get that portion of love.

The thing that scared me though was, the mention of a blade and blood. You know where it goes after that. Perhaps her attempt at blood was the thing that prompted me the most the rethink of everything from square one. At that moment, I decided to propose to her instead. Not because I was in love with her, but because I feared her death attempts.

Yes folks, the cornerstone of my relationship was never love.

It was fear.

August is when she ended her relationship with me. April is when I finally was free to move on.

The reason I wrote it this month is because her true birthday falls this month. And I will still love her, with a different perspective. After all, she’s still my classmate.